solnet | [Text/accidentally unfiltered] just your run-of-the-mill existential crisis here

[The text is sent out late at night, when everyone should be sleeping. 'Should be' of course being the key phrase. Yukio doesn't sleep much anyways, and even less since the encounter with Minako's shadow.

He's sleep-deprived, and that's probably why he's acting so foolish. He should know to keep his mouth shut. He told Rin he would tell him if there was anything wrong... but if Rin doesn't ask, he shouldn't need to tell.

He really should stop now before he does something stupid like... send a text. He should be stronger than this. He doesn't want to be a burden. He knows he can rely on Rin, but his brother has enough to worry about.

He's being ridiculous. He'll only annoy Rin, or make him angrier. He doesn't need to do this.

But concern and worry and the sickening cocktail of emotions curdling in his stomach motivate him to send out a text anyways.]

Are you awake?

I'm not sure if anyone told you, but I had a run-in with a shadow. I'm not hurt. Maka got me out of there.

I shouldn't have had any trouble, but the shadow looked like Minako. It wasn't her, and I know that, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to fight it. I froze up.

Do you think it's okay to kill those things? Better than it is to kill demons?

If you're still mad, you don't have to answer. I'm sorry. I know this is confusing. I wish I knew for sure what was going on.

I don't like not having the answers.

[Eventually, a second text is sent, once he realizes this wasn't filtered to Rin as he had hoped.]

Disregard the last message. It wasn't meant to be sent.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I took care of it.

... There's no shame in not being able to kill something that looks like someone you care about. It's... normal.

Maybe it means you're not as far gone as I am.

I assumed you did. Thank you for helping.

I'm sorry. I should have been more on top of it. I'm not even sure if the issue was that it was someone I cared about. I should have been fine.

...Regardless, the message wasn't intended for you.

It's fine.

... Then there's something else going on. Probably not my business, unless you want it to be. But it's... not wrong to not want to kill.

I figured. But I thought you should know.

It isn't your business, but I can't stop you from reading what's easily accessible.

[Despite his attempts to lock it.]

I haven't had trouble with killing before.

Be more careful with it next time.

Is it because you were facing something that looked like a friend?

I really don't know.

Possibly. I've never had to kill someone familiar to me, but I've grown up fully prepared for the possibility. I don't know why I'd hesitate.

[But then again, the one he was expected to kill was Rin, and he remembers how well that went.]

Because it's not as easy as you think it is.

And it never will be.

I thought I went home so I could stop being weak.

I didn't expect all this.

If you expected this, I would be surprised.

[Does he go on? ... It's not like this is a public conversation, so...]

... Look. I've been through something like this before - hell, what I've seen so far here is tame compared to that place. As... weird as my world might sound to other people, it didn't prepare me for anything close to something like this, either. What you're feeling... I'm not any kind of psychology expert, but I... I think it's normal.

This place is different. It's got dangers you never expected, and monsters you never imagined. There's people from worlds you just can't understand, and people who you're bound to hate but have to work with. It's not wrong. And if you care about someone, it's not a bad thing to hesitate when there's something with their face.

It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you care a lot. That's not always a weakness. Sometimes it might make you hesitate... but sometimes that might be what you need.

You mentioned you came from another world. I kept thinking about that... thinking you had it worse. That's why I'm hesitant to admit all this.

I'm used to dangers and monsters, and I'm used to having to fight people I care about. I was handed a gun and told to kill my brother if his demon half got the better of him.

After something like that, I thought I could handle anything. I'm not supposed to care. Caring gets in the way of being an exorcist. I need to stay strong and in control.

...It's different now, and I know that was the wrong way to think. But now I don't know what to do.

... It's not like it was your fault. It's not a competition or something.

... What do you think you should do? What do you think an exorcist needs to be like?

An exorcist is supposed to do whatever he can to protect humans from danger, particularly from demons. They will eliminate any demon that is a threat to Assiah’s safety, no matter their connection to the accused demon.

But what counts as a threat? And can't they ever change?

Demons that are violent and destructive.

They can't resist their instinct.

Can't you say the same thing about people? There's some good people out there.

Yes. And there are good demons. But it’s an exorcist’s job to eliminate the bad ones.

[Even if he kind of forgot that.]

So even if your brother's demon half 'gets the better of him', he could still be a good demon, right?

…Yes. That is true. And I learned that eventually, after a bit of time. I just had been taught the opposite for a long time.

It's hard to let go of things a lot of the time, yeah.

You just have to keep going. Even if you mess up sometimes.

Of course I know that. There’s no point in sitting back and complaining about a situation.

No. But just because you know it doesn't mean you don't need reminders sometimes. It's hard.

I suppose it is difficult. For anyone. For everyone who has been stuck here.

[Text/accidentally unfiltered] just your run-of-the-mill existential crisis here

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